Pondering

Four years ago today my father passed away.  I never really knew him.  My parents divorced when I was 5 and he remarried shortly after.  He didn't visit much.  His family did and I am fairly close to my aunt, his sister.  She called one night just after I had started running to tell us that he had been diagnosed with cancer and didn't have long.  I was very conflicted on what I should do.  I felt like I needed to see him but at the same time I guess I held some anger towards him for never making an effort to know his kids.  In the end I decided that I was now an adult and could make the effort myself. My aunt and uncle were going to see him so I tagged along. The day we went I was supposed to run 16 minutes.  That seemed like forever at that time.  I decided to get up early to get that run done and to think before we saw him.  I wasn't worried about how he would look or the illness.  I just wanted him to see that after all those years I was around.  I wanted to show him pictures of his granddaughters.  I did those things and he seemed pleased.  My aunt later told me that our visit made his day.  That was the last time I saw him and I felt like it was a good visit.  Closure maybe.

My aunt made a point to tell him that I had run that morning.  At that point I had no clue where this journey was heading. I had no idea that I would finish that running clinic and go on to run 10k and half marathons.  Often during tough runs I will think of people who are no longer with me and hope they are there pushing me a little.  I live about 5 minutes away from my grandfathers house and often run by there.  I was very close with my grandpa.  On those really tough runs when I am almost home and need that extra push I will ask grandpa for that extra push to get me to the end.  I have no idea if they are there or if I'm being silly but I'll keep doing it because I like to think they are there.  I hope that I am making them all proud with this new life and that they are there at all the finish lines.